Friday, March 31, 2017
Dear Fordham readers,
I am writing to inform you of some unfortunate news. There has been a catastrophic hacking of Fordham President’s Michael J. Petrilli’s email account, after he fell victim to a “phishing scheme”—a fake advertisement for “organic cantaloupes” that he clicked for a one-dollar discount.
Education Week, which first reported the story, also made Petrilli’s hacked emails public. Less than three years after I handed over the helm to him, this correspondence paints a sinister plot to destroy Fordham itself.
At the center of the conspiracy is Petrilli’s secret strategy to write conservative op-eds on Mondays, libertarian op-eds on Wednesdays, and liberal op-eds on Fridays in an attempt to raise money from philanthropists across the ideological spectrum. Emails with several co-conspirators reveal a plan to rename the organization “Lean the Way the Wind’s Blowing,” whereby competing funders would pay Petrilli to espouse their views in articles and tweets from his Twitter citadel.
In one March 2016 email to co-conspirator Randi Weingarten, Petrilli explains, “My Friday op-ed will explain how we should dismantle teacher evaluations since they are bogus and allow schools to publish a complicated dashboard of squishy metrics if they want. How’s that sound?” Weingarten replied, “Sounds stellar. Can you also show ’evidence‘ that the lack of funding for unionized charter schools is harming students?” Petrilli’s response: “Sure thing—as long as you hit ‘like’ on my latest #NeverTrump article in Education Post.”
A January 2017 email to co-conspirator Lindsey Burke reads, “Hey Linds, my Monday op-ed will say that we should get rid of all of the ESSA regulations from the Obama administration. Ok?” Yet Burke hesitated, fearing that the clandestine plot might be revealed: “Hmmm…I’m worried. How about saying instead that you think we should keep some and get rid of some too?” Petrilli: “GREAT IDEA. Will do.”
And an email from last Thursday to co-conspirator Neal McCluskey reads, “Neal, my Wednesday op-ed argues that we need less government intrusion in education and more free market competition, and also says that voucher schools shouldn’t have to teach Common Core. How’s that sound?” McCluskey: “Petrilli, you’re a real gem. How about adding that the Trump Administration should stay out of school choice altogether?” Petrilli: “No prob.”
This is all, of course, both profoundly surprising and deeply disappointing. I’d really hoped that that plucky kid who emailed me for an internship twenty years ago would have what it takes to run a center-right organization. But he apparently likes center-left, left-left, right-right, and center-center, too.
Because of these unforgivable transgressions, effective immediately, my 75% non-retirement-status is over, Petrilli is out, and I’m back on top, baby. Feels good.
Sincerely,
Chester E. Finn, Jr.
President for Life