Editor's note: We found this letter from Dr. John J. Johnson, EdD., head of the Orange River Regional School District in Pitchfork, Tennessee, to be a particularly compelling depiction of the opportunities and hardships now facing school systems across the land. It is reprinted here in full, with Dr. J's permission.
Dear Faculty and Staff,
You don't have to tell me that morale has been low around here lately. Budget cuts have a way of sucking the spirit right out of you. But as I always say, we need to see the bright side of things. (Like your summer break starting on April 26th this year. Safe travels!)
Today I'm here with some good news for a change, thanks to President Obama and his economic stimulus bill. We're slated to get millions of dollars from this windfall, which, and I say this in an entirely non-partisan way, we should definitely remember come November 6, 2012.
The opportunity at hand is truly historic, unprecedented, out of this world. Now comes the fun part: deciding how to spend it!
I know that several of you have suggested that we use the stimulus money to plug budget holes and forego the planned layoffs of our young, enthusiastic teachers. (And yes, the "several of you" to whom I allude include each of our young, enthusiastic teachers.) To which I say: great idea! Unfortunately, according to the state department of education, that's a no-go. Please see our in-house counsel, Mr. Piddlesticks, who can explain the intricacies of "supplement, not supplant."
For those of us who remain, it's spend-a-palooza. Which is why I'm writing: I need your best ideas for how to "invest" these dollars. Please submit your suggestions on a 3 x 5 index card by next Tuesday; the winner will receive a 2009 Cadillac CTS-V. (Boom--$58,000 down, only several million to go. And yes, Piddlesticks says this is an "allowable use" under Title I.)
I myself am not eligible to win this contest (though did I tell you about our new fleet of district Town Cars?) but I've got a few ideas of my own. Here are my favorites. (If there's room left on your 3 x 5 card, please tell me how much you like them.):
1.????Wii Fit will replace gym class. We're trying to teach these kids 21st century skills, right? Well what better way than have them get some exercise in the process. Now, our students can tap into their varied interests by skiing without snow, hula-hooping without a hula-hoop, and going for a jog without moving, all led by a soothing automated voice that boosts self-confidence and improves attitudes. Out with competition and obesity. In with teamwork and virtual health.
2.??Replace school buses with Party Buses. Mini fridges, seat back personal TVs, and plush new 900 count Egyptian cotton seat covers will make the annual trip to the state 4-H convention oh so comfy. And if we're lucky, the imported Italian espresso machines will deposit awake and alert teens in our classrooms every morning. (Oops, sorry. Piddlesticks says buy American. I hear Grindmaster makes a swell version up the road in Louisville.)
3.??Designer uniforms. The day of exposed undergarments and hooded sweatshirts is over. Enter Ralph Lauren uniforms. These chic designer duds will not only pull pants back over backsides but improve concentration. Teenage boys will find their eyes glued to the teacher when the cheerleader captain is wearing a turtleneck. And since they'll be tailored to fit each individual student properly, no more will we be exposed to unsightly sights like super short skirts and plunging necklines. I'm looking at you, muffin top.
4.??Broadway troupe to stage school play. We all know it is absolute torture to sit through the spring musical. Those mewling teens wouldn't know a G7 minor chord if it hit them over the head. The solution? Professionals. With all this extra cash, let's get the real deal from the Great White Way to save our ears and our eyes. I'm thinking R & H's "Carousel" or "State Fair." Use that index card to log your vote.
5.??Cell phone and iPod chargers at student desks. As role models, we must encourage the use of technology at every turn. How better than by tapping into the gadgets already beloved of our students? Texting is the new essay and if we're to meet the future head on, students shouldn't have to worry about a rapidly depleting cell phone battery while attempting to practice.
If you think these ideas are far-fetched, please stop by my office and Mrs. Grandworthy can show you some very nice brochures that will change your mind quickly. (You'd be surprised at how much mail I'm getting these days.) If you would benefit from inspiration for your own inspiration, please refer to this "professional development video."
Top Nine Ways to Spend Stimulus Dollars from Education Gadfly on Vimeo.
As I said before, this opportunity is historic! Let's grab with classic Orange River style! Submit your ideas today!
Sincerely,
Dr. John J. Johnson, EdD.
Superintendent