User-fee frenzy

Photo by Steven Depolo

For some districts in Ohio, stretching the school dollar is no longer necessary. Neither are layoffs and other expense reductions. Thanks to a neo-Marxist initiative by Governor John Kasich (meant to reallocate the financial burden of schools to those who most benefit from them), entrepreneurial districts now charge students for sundry perks, such as lockers and bathroom usage, and also provide various “upgrades”—all for the right price. At Lincoln Penny School near Toledo, for example, 90 percent of students now store their books in coin-operated lockers; some students pay a premium above the fifty-cent basic-access fee for an air-conditioned version; and a few even drop $200 per month to rent walk-in lockers, each equipped with an Xbox Kinect and shower. Access to school restrooms requires a Sacagawea dollar; for five of the same you get a private stall. When asked why the school is nickel-and-diming its pupils, Penny’s principal replied, “Well, let’s be frank about this. We’re not nickel-and-diming them. We’re quarter-and-dollaring them. Education is expensive, and someone’s got to pay for their lifestyle.” Buckeye native John Boehner teared up when discussing Kasich’s bold new plan: “I’m just so happy that children today will have the same shot at the American Dream as I had.” And Akron industrialist David Brennan—who won the bid to manufacture and lease out the new-fangled lockers, first to districts and charters, and then to private schools—expressed pride in the ambitious initiative. “My only goal in life,” he said, “is to ensure that every Ohio child gets a top-notch education.”